Topic Tuesday - Long distance friendships

Do long distance friendships work?

I didn't used to think that it would be possible at all but I have proof that they do. Here's my story..

As a young child I had a lot of friends but didn't really feel close to any. As a twin, my sister was everything I needed and I knew from a very young age that I didn't like the tittle-tattle that little girls tended to do in my school so I was a bit of a tom boy and that wasn't very popular!

When we went to secondary school my sister and I decided to go into separate classes so we both made new friends. I really wasn't keen on my sisters choice of friend and so many times I have regretted the decision we took to be in separate classes! - She had a horrible school experience!

I, on the other hand, didn't really enjoy the beginning of being at "big school" but it was the first years trip to France when I founded a friendship with Leanne. This girl was my total opposite! we were chalk and cheese - she was quiet and reserved (although had a huge rebellious side) whereas I was quite loud and a bit of a goody goody! Typical teachers' daughter! Leanne found the rebel in me and I loved it!  We went through the whole of school together, she saw me start to shift from tom boy to girly girl and eventually we both worked in our first jobs together in the social club. It was a lot more my bag than hers - I regularly made her blush.  We drifted away from each other when Leanne left work and I continued studies and went to uni... We never fell out to my knowledge and have recently been in touch! I'd love to meet up with her and her family one day!

My uni friends are the ones that make me really believe in long distance friendships. I was friends with lots of people on my course at uni but three of the girls on my course became really close friends. I lived with one of them, another was an honorary housemate (I think she lived with us more than at her house) and the other lived with her parents down the road. We were close then and when uni came to an end I was terrified that the friendship would dissolve. This year marks 10 years since we left uni and we have celebrated birthdays, Christmas', new homes, post grad degrees, new jobs, performances, engagements, weddings, babies, christenings and even managed a holiday over the years. We have supported each other through tough times and always been available for each other in some way, shape or form. I think there have been periods of ebbing and flowing if that makes sense? It is important to recognise each of the friendships individually as well as as a group so that group politics don't take over - obviously arranging meet ups etc there's always group politics! There are a lot of people to consider now not just us four girls.  I feel closer than ever to them despite the miles that separates us.

Yes, it is sad that we can't just pop over for a cuppa or to watch a film. I get lonely when my best friends are so far away it takes planning for us to catch up but I'm so lucky to have the most amazing friends who don't see miles as hurdles. Who embrace the fun times and who have grown with me for all these years! I'm totally blessed to have them and my best advice is

• Use whatsapp - set up groups and use individual chats
• face time - always a giggle. You can always do this on whatsapp too
• plan, plan, plan.... set out approximate dates you want to meet waaaaaay in advance and review closer to the time.
• meet in the middle. It evens out the travel - helpful if you have little people.
• Know that if you drift away, it's okay... no-one said you have to stay friends forever! friendship is a two way street.

I guess with experience and age, I have learnt that if a person matters then it really doesn't matter what the distance is. I know my friends are in the same country but should they wish to move abroad, it would not affect how I feel about them. If we come to the end of our chapter naturally, then I have learnt through my experiences that it's okay for that to happen. Maybe this could be a blog of it's own

Do you have any tips on what makes your long distance friendship work? 

How do you feel when you have naturally drifted apart from a friend?

I guess this is a chatty part of the blog so what topics of discussion are you covering? Pop a link to your blog and I'll grab a brew and join the natter.

Speak soon

Making a come back

Hey,

It's been a while! I'm not really sure on where to start but I want you to know that I have been thinking about you a lot during the 'break'; and when I say 'you' I literally mean YOU. The blog, the people that actually take the precious time to sit and scan their eyes over the words that I write and also, future Hannah, you!

I am aware that this post has already headed towards a quite deep and thoughtful piece of writing. Don't worry, I'm not totally going there just yet.

"So, where have you been?" I hear you ask.

Geographically, not too far. I've had a few trips here and there which I think are blog posts in themselves at some point. I'd say "plodding along" but it's certainly been more entertaining than that!

As you know I have a few issues with my health and the medical care is ongoing. I have had some really tough spells but let me tell you, I am absolutely focused on my future and I remain hopeful for something to make life a little more predictable (in regards to that aspect of my health at least).

Last year I wrote a whole load of articles for my blog that never got published because my computer decided to have a huge melt down and I very nearly lost everything on it! I lost most of the programming that came pre-installed many many moons (and house moves) ago, so with no back up disc I basically ended up with with a very large web browser! Yeah, I know I can do most stuff with that but I am a creature of habit and I like what I know. Amazingly my extremely old and battered laptop is working again so I have the freedom to type now! - Happy Hannah!

Some other changes from when I last typed are:

I have music back in my life! I have still got the clarinet and Sax hung up but I sing in a choir now and it in turn has given me the enjoyment of piano playing again. It has seriously added something to my life! There will certainly be a blog post about this!

I am trying to be a healthy me. I try to think more wisely about cooking and ordering food - lets face it, if the NHS is doing everything to help me then I can do my bit to help them! (my conditions aren't weight related but obviously in the long run it will be better all round).

Starting 2017 I made a few promises to myself. One of the things that I promised was that I would somehow document stuff so that I could one day look back and laugh at or relive some of the the events of the here and now. As some of you might be aware, I am stupidly forgetful (blame the brain) so doing this is a bit like a snapshot at my favourite times and my struggles. I will try to keep it real. I might have to remind myself on here what to buy and not to buy because I have lost track of the times I have repurchased items that just don't like me or forgotten my fave thing! DOH! haha. So, this blog will meet this promise because it is not like the hospital documents that I have to complete at the end of every day, week and month. It is not here because I have to write it. It is here for me to be free when I sometimes feel trapped and I can write whatever I want. I can talk to this computer and this blank screen. There are obviously times where I will want to be private and I don't want to force any of my friends or family into being a part of this so if they are in pictures I will blank them out unless I have permission but after reading a lot of blogs, it's the ones that are true to real life that I enjoy reading and that is how I want to document my experiences.

This is my little space in the world (well, web) to connect, share and "just be". You are all very welcome to connect, share and just be here in this space with me! If you want to collaborate with me or tag me in challenges then feel free to reach out to me. Share your blog in the comments, pop a link to a challenge and let's see where we end up.


Here's to the future!
Hannah.x

Chiari blogs: Tips for a stress/anxiety free consultation

Something that has bothered me for so long is that when patients enter the medical system (ie they go to hospital/ they are ill/ they are diagnosed/ whatever stage they are on) they get bombarded with information. If you are like me, you will be in this place feeling horribly desperate and ill, being told so many different pieces of information, having so many procedures mentioned and I guess it seems that it is expected that EVERYTHING is soaked up, stored and processed. If you are like me, you probably won’t "soak up" much (if anything) during such times and remembering what I have been told is almost impossible! Also, as the years have passed, my ability to retain things has diminished quite substantially which is incredibly frustrating! – you can read about my "story" here.

So, along the way I have had some pretty horrendous experiences but something that has been consistent is the note taking that my mum has done from pretty much day one.

I am lucky that my Mum knew from other people’s experiences that we would benefit from taking notes from the very early days.

I guess that is the next point. Have a “consistent person” attend appointments with you. Someone that is able to speak out when required, make notes so you can focus solely on the information you need to give and receive and most importantly, someone who can stay calm and be a calming influence in stressful situations!

Take a puzzle book or colouring book or anything else that can occupy your mind for a long while. Remember that things that require batteries have a tendency to run out when you least want them to! I have been delayed by over 3 hours before for a consultation and believe me, it’s not fun if there’s nothing to do but stare at leaflets and walls!

Be prepared for a first consultation

• Write a brief medical history to give your consultant an outline should they ask.
• List your symptoms and why you are there to see the consultant. Have a rough time span if possible. Also list if there is anything that makes the symptoms worse/better.
• List your medication. Include doses and times taken.
• Be prepared to listen and have physical examinations carried out if needed.
• ALWAYS ask to be copied in to letters etc. It is your right and those letters can sometimes fill in the gaps that your note taker might have missed or answer questions that you forgot to ask!

This is an example of how I would type up the notes from the first meeting.

Header: (my initials) Hospital notes

Date:     Consutlant:                         Department:

Notes from (consultant initials):

Next steps:

Next consultation: (just aproximately how many weeks/months when s/he wants to see you again). It's so you have a timescale.

Have a plan for future consultations

• Any unresolved issues from last consultation.
• How I have been since the last consultation. Is there any change or noticeable differences? Anything significant to note? (Did the consultant ask me to do anything in particular – give results)? – if there is another professional involved that needs cross referencing, do that here.... write it separately including the date you saw them so you can flick to your file if needs be... be prepared to in case the notes haven’t reached them yet!
• Questions and any immediate issues from this consultation

Set up a filing system for all of your letters

• Keep a record (in a file) of all of your consultations with EVERYONE involved in your care. It is not unusual for other people to come on board and different departments to cross over. I get by this by having a file with dividers in. One for each department or professional. I.e. GP, Neurologist, neurosurgeon etc.
• After every consultation write down your feelings and queries. I have only recently started to do this. After a series of “tricky” consultations, I started to get affected by the sheer thought of speaking to ANY medical professional. I didn’t sleep well, I started to get anxiety and I was just not “myself” before OR after for probably a week! I felt as though I was not being heard and that my feelings or wishes were not one bit taken into account. It was as if I was talking to a brick wall so I started to write down what I felt and that directly feeds into the prep for the next consultation. Also, part of the physical examination is having my eyes examined quite a lot. It is extremely hard to explain how that has affected me but imagine having someone that you have lost trust in being right...in...your...face. I promise you it does NOTHING for heightened anxiety. I used to await my appointment with dread and in my head it was totally irrational. I also felt confused and lost. This just had to stop and although I still get anxious, my stress levels are less and I am easier to live with since I started to have my own little reminders to feed into appointments or just realise that it was just head of the moment from the awkwardness of the day - on the day. I hope this makes sense. I guess it's just a way for you to personally document things and work out what you feel are the most imortant things to discuss because you have to remember that you can't possibly fit everything into a consultation all of the time.
• Correct any inaccuracies in letters! THIS IS IMPORTANT! Those hospital notes are the “book of you” that medical professionals get to read before seeing you. If they are wrong then you are not necessarily going to get the most accurate care!

My file is set up like this:

• First page: Important hospital numbers
• NEXT APPOINTMENT letter, plan,
• Dividers with departments on (including GP)
• Appointment letter,
•  Notes, 
• Consultant letter,
•  reflections.
•  Plan for next consultation.

I really hope that you have found this useful. I am still refining my "tools" but since I have been doing these I have felt more in control of myself and able to keep on track. I found that with every consultation I couldn't deal with all of the information that I was being told on top of my emotions. I used to say that it was easy for Doctors and medical staff because they can walk away. It's so wrong to tar everyone with the same brush. I have been cared for by so many amazing, positive people but it was just that one person seemed to be more "powerful" than others. Now I have a little bit of ownership of myself back. Ok, not medically but emotionally. There is only one person who can control that and that is ME! 

I have learnt so many of the little tricks that I have mentioned by seeing chats and of course having conversations with people from the Ann Conroy Trust. They have really been incredible in providing a safety net of people going through very similar things and just a cosy little place where it's normal to be scared/worried/confused/everything in between! 

Please read my post about The trust and if you'd like to win one of two hand crocheted Elephants that I have made, please go to my justgiving page and make a donation (all ts and cs are on there).

Thank you for all of the love and support.

Love and hugs.